I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
