i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Who died my cat blue again?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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