i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
