You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
