there's paper in my vomit.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
