You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
