Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
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please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
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That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt