how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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