you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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