I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My liver just had a heart attack.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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