i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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