You really coming over, don't trick.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
