I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
