i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
