..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
