Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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