Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
