i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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