i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
