At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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