so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
