I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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