If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
