New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you inspire me to be a worse person
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
