Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
In other news, I just burned my penis
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
