He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Actions speak louder than pants.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
