I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
