I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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