My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
