if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
