I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
