He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
