I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
