Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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