My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
