return my video game
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
