Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
