my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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