I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
