Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
