i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I CAN MOONWALK!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
