When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
