i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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