dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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