don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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