come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
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Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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