She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
