Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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