____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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