my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
