somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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