i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
