she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
