U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
