God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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